I Work at Best Buy

In Remembrance, part II...

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 03:37:38 GMT

Welcome to the second memorial release here at the BestBuy Livejournal. Throughout the holiday season, I will do my best to keep this updated with some frequency. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. And no you can’t fucking return it...not even if you didn’t open it...and I don’t care if you have a receipt.

I call this one Smile! You’re on Cornhole Camera.

The next time you venture through a BestBuy facility, take notice of the suspended black balls that line the hangar-styled rafters. It’s no secret (despite the stealthy tint) that within these balls there is located a camera. Many of these cameras are purely benign...they are fixed on a particular aisle and remain there, transmitting grainy images of potential thievery to the often unmanned LP desk and to the tape recorders located behind closed doors.

There are, however, a select few “elite” cameras. Cameras that operate on a swivel. They are manually controlled by the yellow-clad goobers that keep their vigilant two-minute-per-shift watch on the in-store happenings. There are instances, though, when that two-minute window may turn into a solid 15. And often times, coinciding with the time increase, there will be an influx in employees that are crowding that plywood podium. What could be the cause of such surveillance?

A hot chick.

In the event of an attractive female entering the premises, LP members go on high alert. What plays out next is enough to make the secret service jealous...

Step 1. Using the camera selection panel, the employee gauges which angle offers the most comprehensive coverage and maneuverability.

Step 2. Once the proper view is found and focused, an intiating call is sent to a department of the LP employee’s choice. The discussion to follow is brief, but the cycle is begun.

Step 3. An effective web of inter-departmental calls are placed to bring all males (and sexually “open” females) into the loop.

Step 4. A small group of only the most determined (lonely) individuals begin the seemingly harmless trek up to the front of the store, scanning the aisles in order to attain a preview.

Step 5. Once assembled at the LP kiosk, the zoom function is utilized on the active camera and individual parts of the female’s anatomy are carefully scrutinzed (memorized to serve as masturbatory assistance).

Step 6. After a time not longer than 10 consecutive minutes, the crowd disperses.

Crazy? Probably. Perverted? You betcha. But all real. And all easily confirmed...if only you could get your hands on those damned tapes. But you can’t...at least not without some help from law enforcement and a little thing I like to call “probable cause.”

It’s worth remembering that if you are an attractive female, chances are you are being watched. Keep an eye out for an abnormal number of male employees suddenly strolling by your aisle. Watch for clusters of these employees with their backs to you while their heads swing around quickly to catch glimpses. And always keep track of where those little black balls are hanging. You are not alone.

Oh, and it would be fucking hilarious if you’d just flip off every single camera.

In Remembrance...

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 18:58:33 GMT

Yesterday, Friday the 25th of November, marked the first “Black Friday” in three years that I wasn’t caught up in the shopping shitfest that is inherent in retail work. I was able to sit at home, watch TV, play a little NCAA ’06, and relax with a smug feeling of superiority. Actually, I was quite tempted to make my way to my former employer to enjoy the season from the other end. Then I realized I’d rather take a pitchfork to the taint than patronize BestBuy.

However, the whole season has inspired me to reminisce. I still have a head full of BestBuy-related bitchings that are ripe for the writing. What better time of year to unleash them?

The first of the memorial releases is something I like to call, Things to Remember When Shopping for the Holidays...

The Christmas shopping season: filled with bits of hustle, a little bustle (whatever the hell that is), and a crap-ton of bullshit. As a consumer, you need to be made aware that no matter where you shop you will be told half-truths, quarter-truths, and complete lies with regularity. During my time at BestBuy I became an expert purveyor of bullshit. It’s practically impossible to avoid it...if you work retail long enough, you will start lying. Through my experience, I found particular times where lies really get laid on heavily. Take what you read into consideration when you go out to make your holiday purchases.

If you’ve been talking to a salesperson for more than 10 minutes, he/she is going to lie to you.
Don’t go into a store expecting to be helped with your decisions. You need to have a definitive list...leave no room for questions. An occasional question about requirements for functionality in the case of electronics isn’t a major deal, but don’t go overboard. After 10 minutes of talking, many salespeople will even lie about those little but critical things. “Does it come with batteries?” may even result in a blatant lie just to get you out of their hair. In the highly technical departments (such as computers, digital cameras, etc) lies will abound if you insist on learning about the items in the store. Keep discussions short and simple.

If you agree to buy something before you are 100% positive that it’s what you want, the salesperson is going to lie to you.
Don’t tell a salesperson that you’re ready to buy unless you are really ready to buy. If you just think you’re ready, go back home and do your research. Why go home? Because if you start back-peddling and expressing doubts to the salesperson, they are going to tell you whatever they think you want to hear. This was where I often found myself during my time in retail. If I had loaded up a computer for a customer only to have them start questioning the purchase, I’d go out of my way to make it sound outstanding just to avoid having to restock it. A $400 eMachine might suddenly be able to play games that a $4000 Sony couldn’t. Or a $500 laptop might suck you off and finger your butthole while simultaneously downloading every song ever recorded. Anything was fair game so long as I didn’t have to walk back up that damned ladder to restock it all. Remember that.

If you obviously have no clue about what you are talking about, the salesperson is going to lie to you.
Another very common occurrence in the electronics business, salespeople know a technically illiterate person when they see them. Because of this, they are quick to drop all kinds of bullshit jargon on you to make a quick and often pricey sale. An honest salesperson will break things down to a ridiculously simple level for everyone. An average salesperson is going to try to talk over your head, confuse you, and swipe your credit card while you stand there dazed, drooling all over a product that is offically “yours” whether you really wanted it or not. Once again, go in prepared and this isn’t an issue. As a side note, it’s often kind of game for certain salespeople to try to make asses out of people who THINK they know a lot. Unless you really know a product front to back, never overstate your knowledge. It’s great fun to see a know-it-all walk out of the store with a certified piece of shit.

If you are old, young, or female, the salesperson is going to lie to you.
Sad commentary on society? Yes. True nonetheless? Absolutely. When it comes to electronics, it is assumed that the only people who know anything are 20 and 30-something males. Beyond that small demographic, everyone else is assumed to be an idiot. Older women (50+) are particularly favored targets as they are often buying for someone young and expect a young salesperson to be able to relate. Watch out for this…a 10 year old does not need a 62 inch plasma TV with 6.1 surround sound just to play Xbox. Similarly, a 12 year old doesn’t need a digital SLR camera with a macro lense and a carbon fiber carrying case. Just be smart.

The bottom line is “Be PREpared.” Go into this shopping season with a plan. Relying on a salesperson to walk you through anything is going to result in disappointment. They lie. They all lie. You aren’t an exceptional customer in their eyes. Get your shit together and make this holiday a happy one.

How to get fired...

Wed, 25 May 2005 04:28:12 GMT

Ruh Roh.

Sadly, as of May 21, 2005, my employment at Best Buy is no longer active. I have been stricken from the payroll for my assholish shenanigans. After 1.5 years of being a dick, the management (both in-store and District) decided my presence was little more than a violent distraction, and opted to send me on my way.

In other words...

I'm free.

How did it happen?

Well, we had newly-implemented "Customer Care Sheets" that we had to fill out on each customer we assisted. I, along with others, thought this was ridiculous. After some poorly-received complaints, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Thus was born the "Customer 'I Don't Care' Sheet." It circulated quickly throughout my store, and within two weeks I was no longer employed. Pretty fucking awesome, if you ask me.

Click Here to Download the PDF of the Parody Form that Got Me Fired

I certainly don't think that any of you employed at Best Buy, or even those who are patrons of Best Buy, should print out and distribute this "I Don't Care Sheet" to everyone in the store you encounter. I think that would be a disgusting display of poor taste. So don't DO IT. I'm serious. DON'T.

...oh, and don't worry...another very large update will be coming soon. A sort of "end of an era" post, complete with pictures I drew while at work, my "resignation" letter, and more...

Nothing in life is free.

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:39:12 GMT

If you shop at Best Buy, you’ve likely been presented with the opportunity to receive 8 FREE ISSUES OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED OR ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY! If you fell for it, you’re a moron.

Since the collaboration of Best Buy and the EW/SI publishing company, store managers nation wide have been breathing down the collars of employees, threatening termination if the magazine offer wasn’t made to every potential customer. Why? Best Buy makes damn good money off of it. They’re playing advertising medium for EW/SI…and they’re getting paid.

Recently, Best Buy corporate realized that phrasing it “8 Free Issues” was a tad misleading…so they’ve re-emphasized that it should be phrased “8 RISK-Free Issues.” Regardless of the wording, the principle is the same: If you give the cashier your credit card number for something you don’t intend to pay for, you’re stupid.

“Risk Free” means that after 8 issues, you’ll be billed for a full subscription. It’s all quite clear in the fine print, which people never fail to overlook. Now, if you’re totally on top of things, and your memory is tuned to recall things 8 weeks old, you may remember to cancel the subscription before you get your final issue. The odds of this happening are slim. More than likely, you’ll get issue number 9, think you’ve beat the system, and then get a bill in the mail telling you pay up.

OMG! You mean they used your credit card to BILL you? Since when do they do that?

Ass.

Don’t fall for that shit, you gullible idiot. Neither of those magazines are worth reading, and they certainly aren’t worth the hassle of cancelling. Use your brain…or don’t bitch when you get what you asked for.

This is a BUSINESS, not a welfare program.

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 20:28:44 GMT

Some people just don’t “get” business. They don’t understand how things work, why they pay, or what they’re paying for. To educate them, I try to explain how all businesses have expenses that must be compensated for in order to stay open. I also break down the idea of motivation for store owners/management, explaining that in order for someone to want to keep a store open, they expect some money to take home. It’s quite simple, really.

But people don’t “get” it. A large group have subscribed to the mindset that retailers owe them…whether it be in the form of massive discounts or free merchandise. They figure that the mere pleasure of doing any business with them, no matter what the profit, is something each retailer should cherish.

That’s fucking retarded.

Take for example an incident that I read about on a popular online archive of anti-Best Buy sentiment…

A customer saw a hand-written tag on an open-item (read: displayed or returned) product that read $62.66, marked down from $533. The customer admitted to knowing it was a mistake, but figured they’d try to fuck the store out of a few hundred bucks. So they bitched and moaned to salespeople and managers alike, but ultimately were denied their shiest. And you want to know what this asshole had the audacity to say?

“You know what, you just lost your big sale.”

BIG SALE? A $400+ loss is not a “big sale,” by any definition, you unbelievable fucknut. You need to understand that it’s not the sale that matters, it’s how much is sold and what percentage of it is profit. If the number of sales were the key, every store would offer things for a penny and rack up the quantity. The fact is, it’s all about quality. The company is interested in MONEY…nothing else. And that’s the way it should be; after all, it’s business.

People need to “get” it. No retail store is obligated to sell you anything. While they will often accommodate you in order to beat out their competition, they’ll only do so if it will lead to them making a substantial monetary gain. Coming in expecting the store to lose money just to win your heart is goddamned ludicrous.

Get a grip on business fundaments, then try your hand at being an intelligent consumer.

Never tell me what I “should” do for you.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:27:40 GMT

Some people get pretty ballsy around salespeople. It’s a side-effect of disappointment, and it most often shows up when I have to break the news that we’re out of a product they want. I can generally see it coming by observing a few tell-tale signs:

1. Reddening of the face. (A trait associated with anger.)

2. Fidgeting. (The result of being nervous about what they are planning to say.)

3. No eye-contact. (Sign of a passive-aggressive persona.)

And then it usually follows.

“You know, you should just…”

Pause.

This is a common opening line for the typical ballsy customer. Since we are out of their product, they decide that it entitles them to something else…always involving less of their money being spent. Their demand usually comes in the form of a discount on a vaguely-similar yet much more expensive item, or a large discount on the item they desire whenever we get it back in stock.

There are obvious flaws in their reasoning:

1. They assume that we absolutely must do business with them. To tell me what I “should” do is to imply that I am obligated to serve them. Best Buy isn’t a federally-owned and operated establishment. It’s a business managed by shareholders and CEO’s. No where in company by-laws does it state that I absolutely have to sell you anything.

2. They assume that it’s some sort of crime to be out of stock. It’s not crime, it’s a consequence of carrying a popular product and having limited storage space. In order to please customers who are prepared to cry “lawsuit,” we also offer rain-checks (among other things) to make sure that they get the same price they saw in our advertisement.

3. They assume that discounting something for them is the only way we’ll sell that item. The truth is, discounting that item for you is damaging to our revenue. It would be much smarter to tell you to fuck off and sell the item at full price to someone else ten minutes later. But what about customer loyalty? Shit. By this time, the customer is already so agitated that no discount in the world is going to give them a good impression of us. They’ll either see us as a no-count retail store and go elsewhere, or they’ll figure they can fuck us good every time they come in the doors.

I’ve got no patience for dicks who tell me what I “should” do for them. What I really should do is give you directions to Circuit City. What I’m not going to do is discount your item, and I’m not going to discount any others. Either get a raincheck or get the fuck out.

And you know what?

They’ll almost always get the raincheck.

Idiots.

That was almost clever the first 15 times I heard it.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 19:45:17 GMT

Me: “Are you finding everything okay?”

You: “No.”

Me: “Well, what are you looking for?”

You: “A good deal.”

Sound familiar? It does?

Well fuck you.

Every day I hear some variation of that same, tired excuse for comedy and every day I wish I had an icepick handy. When you say shit like that all you are doing is wasting my time. I’m not amused. I ask my opening question as a way to determine if you are really in need of help. Saying that you are looking for a “good deal” just puts me in an awkward position. I’m pretty certain at that point that you are going to be a jackass to deal with, but with managers circling my department like vultures I can’t tell you to cram a cock in your mouth and get the fuck out. So how about you make it easy on me and just quit trying to be cute?

How great would it be if we had a special section of the store called the “Good Deals Sector” where I could direct you as a response to that assinine question? You know, we could fill the rest of the store with ridiculously overpriced trash for the average shopper, but have a special V.I.P. area for shrewd, savvy business folk like yourself. It could only be accessed with a highly confidential, incredibly complicated secret code: when I ask what you are looking for, you tell me “A good deal.” NO ONE WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Except for every fucking douchebag willing to be a complete tool for the sake of a little unappreciated, overused “humor.”

Bestbuy is a place of business. Come in prepared to cope with that like an intelligent adult. As if I’ve never said this before….DON’T WASTE MY TIME.

Aren’t retards supposed to be chaperoned?

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 18:39:22 GMT

As if dealing with idiots wasn’t enough…

So, yesterday, I’m swamped in my department since I’m the only salesman on the clock, and I’m trying to juggle three customers at once. One guy wants to know the wattage on a set of computer speakers, another wants me to figure out if he can get a special online promotion without shopping online, and a third wants to buy his girlfriend’s kid a cheap-ass computer…something he’s obviously doing in exchange for wild sex. Just then, as I’m wearing my fingers to the nubs typing all kinds of numbers into our kiosk, I feel an uncomfortable pressure applied to my right ankle.

I look up to see what the fuck is going on, and staring back at me is some 60 year old blank-faced fat lady with a tiny sparkle of drool seeping out of the corner of her mouth. She has her cart pushed up against me, and my ankle is starting to buckle under the weight of this simpleton’s fat ass. With a slight grimace, I ask what she needs.

“Ith a thkannah an’ uh pwintah da thame thing?”

Guhhhh…..what? A “thkannah?” Ohhh…you mean a SCANNER…and PRINTER. I’m sorry, I’m not fluent when it comes to tard babble. This lady wants to know if a scanner and printer are the same thing. At this point, I’m pretty sure this lady is the result of an alcoholic mother and a closely related father, so I try to cut her off with a blunt, “No.” Didn’t work.

“Can I git dith in uh pathkidge?”

Come on…a “pathkidge?” The dope was trying to pronounce “package” but felt it necessary to complicate the word to a ridiculous degree. “Pathkidge” would make more sense if the word were actually “Paskage,” but it’s “package.” There is no reason to lisp. Just because you’re mildly retarded doesn’t give you the authority to fuck up words beyond all reason. Having trouble pronouncing something is one thing…making up extra letters to mispronounce is another.

Anyhow, I spend a good 10 minutes attempting to ignore this lady, and eventually she starts complaining about how hard it is to get help in computer stores. The last thing this pinhead needs to be buying is a computer. If you can’t figure out how to properly operate your own mouth and vocal chords, what are the odds that you’ll be able to effectively control a machine? If nothing else, spell-check would fuck up her world every time she attempted to pound out an email.

If you’re retarded, accept it. Get a job at the local McDonald’s and annoy the customers by mopping at the most inopportune times. Don’t stop by your local Best Buy and pretend to be a normal consumer. We can tell you’re faking.

Give the fuck up.

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 18:13:43 GMT

The British were forced to admit defeat at the end of the American Revolutionary War.

The Japanese were forced to admit defeat after a devastating strike during WWII.

In both cases, the losing parties knew the game was over for them, so they called it quits. It just makes sense. If you can’t win, you stop playing. Very simple. Apparently, after last night at Best Buy, knowing when to quit isn’t so obvious for some.

It’s not uncommon for us to price match. If you find something for less elsewhere, we match it. Of course, to thwart liars we are required to verify the other retailer’s price and the availability of the item. This generally means calling them up. It’s policy. No exceptions.

On top of that, I hate doing price matches. I hate cheap people. The way I look at it, the pleasure of dealing with an intellectual of my caliber is a great deal in itself…so you should have no problem with paying upwards of $20 or $30 more for shopping in my Best Buy. And let’s not forget that price matches involve more effort…and that’s something I’m just not fond of applying.

You can imagine my disdain, then, when I was preparing to close the department at 9PM yesterday and two idiot bastards meander back to me. Apparently, some place had a video card on sale for $10 less than we did, and, by god, these douchebags wanted a price match.

“I need to call them to verify that price,” was my reply.

“Oh…well they ain’t open. They close at 6.”

“Then I guess we can’t price match this,” I say.

And they walk away.

Then they come back.

“I mean it’s only $10,” whines fucker number one.

“Yep, it is. But if they’re closed, I can’t get a hold of them to confirm that.”

“Well maybe they’re open late,” he says in a moment of desperation.

“Three hours late?” I ask, sarcastically. “Okay, what’s the number?”

So I end up calling information only to find out that this place doesn’t exist as far as the telephone service is concerned. I tell the guys that there is no way to verify and I can’t price match. I think I’m being generous when I say that at this point they should have figured, “I guess it’s time to give up.” So much for being generous.

These idiot pieces of shit stuck around, bitching about $10 for a good 15 minutes. “Aww man” this and “hey man” that. Fucking ape-faced tools.

Look, when I say “no” I mean it. If there is one thing you should be able to gather from an interaction with me…that’s it. I don’t say “maybe,” I don’t say “I’ll try,” I say “yes” or “no.” When you hear “no,” leave. Get the fuck out of my sight. Don’t pester me with futile attempts to gain sympathy. You’re a douchebag…a douchebag that smells past it’s prime. I don’t want to deal with you. I’m not cutting you a deal (see “This isn’t a car lot…”), nor am I going to see if someone else will.

Go to Dell.

Your stench is making my eyes water.

Fri, 28 May 2004 18:53:49 GMT

When you were three, the last thing you wanted to do was take a bath. You were pretty satisfied if you could get by with one or two baths a week. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. Kids are supposed to be a little smelly.

However, for most normal humans there comes a time when cleanliness is desired. We want to have a pleasant aroma…whether to attract a mate or simply to avoid offending others. As you can imagine, though, for me to say “most normal humans,” there must be “some” that don’t adhere to this philosophy. And guess where they end up? In Best Buy.

You can see them coming. The wife has long, stringy hair, a pasty complexion, and a shit-ton of black mascara on her eyelashes, eyelids, and upper cheekbone. The husband is a fat retard, stomach bulging from underneath a faded Raiders t-shirt, with either the same long, stringy hair as his wife or no hair at all.

They reach you like a bullet. First you see them, then the smell, much like the crack of a rifle, catches up. Your face struggles to keep from contorting in disgust. After all, these people already stink like ripe asshole; the last thing they need is for you to add insult to injury. But, by god, they don’t make it easy on you.

It seems that not only have they disregarded proper bathing etiquette, but also proper social etiquette. They insist on allowing you about 2 inches of personal space, maximum. They’ll stand should-to-shoulder with you; they’ll lean in to share a quick quip about their significant other’s spending habits; they just have to be as close as possible without arousing suspicion of sexual assault. It’s a true test of endurance. I imagine tear gas would be pleasant by comparison.

In a time period when indoor plumbing is almost guaranteed—when shampoo can be bought at discount stores—when soap can be made by hippies living in teepees, there is no reason to smell like day-old dog vomit. Take a bath, take a shower, dive into the nearest puddle of water…just don’t come near me until you’ve done something to remedy this problem.

Inspirational movies only work on idiots.

Sun, 23 May 2004 18:10:36 GMT

Rarely do I express negative sentiment towards my employers. Best Buy, despite having it’s faults, isn’t so bad. As you know from my posts, my primary area of malcontent is with the customers, not the company. Occasionally, though, the company is stupid, and I feel obligated to call them on it.

Whenever you come under new management you have to adjust. You may have to overlook or learn to tolerate your new boss’s quirks, personality, and theory of business practice. It’s just something that happens, and it’s something that must be dealt with.

There is one type of manager, however, with which you never want to deal. We’ve all had one from this mold:

- Self-proclaimed best salesman in the entire world.
- Self-proclaimed “savior” of the store.
- Self-proclaimed picture of humility.
- “Blunt” and “honest” to a “fault”
- Strict disciplinarian whose children are well-rounded, but also scared shitless.
- The guy who won’t take “shit” and thinks that cussing gets him in touch with a younger crowd.

It is this particular breed of manager that comes and goes. They come in strong, blow hard about their previous achievements, and duck out when they are forced to cope with failure. Of course, who knows? According to them, they’ll have the place on the “right track” in a few weeks. Maybe so.

Maybe.

However, there is a better way to go about achieving that goal than by using cheesy-ass inspirational movies and entirely ridiculous analogies. Comparing an average Best Buy employee to an olympic hopeful (say, from the movie "Miracle") should be a fucking crime.

“But if both of them want to win bad enough, they will! So they ARE alike!”

Winning an olympic medal means pride, multi-million dollar endorsements, a place in the history books, and worldwide fanbases. Selling $500 worth of accessories at Best Buy in Dipshit, Utah gets you, at most, fleeting praise from a middle-aged retail worker. Oh, and you get to brag about being awesome to your fellow employees! Totally worth it…and totally like the olympics.

What the fuck?

Never use inspirational movies to motivate a group of mentally competent adults, young or old. In fifth grade, when we watched “Rudy” to get pumped up about a winning little league football season, it worked. We were young, impressionable, and naïve. A few people still are, but a good portion of us aren’t. So nix it. Don’t push play on some tear-jerking montage that shows some muscle-bound jerkoff training for six months. You and I both know he used ‘roids and died of a heart-attack shortly after filming.

Keep the goddamn inspirational videos in elementary school classrooms where they belong. I have no problem with doing my job properly, but if you want to inspire people, don't use a movie. Give me more money. That’s motivation. I don’t give a fuck what some queer-ass hockey team did 20 years ago...hockey’s gay...money talks.

Company policy hasn’t changed since you asked me 10 seconds ago.

Thu, 20 May 2004 02:55:11 GMT

Despite the fact that it annoys me, I’ve come to accept the fact that customers are always going to ask me to do things for them…whether it be lowering a price or throwing in an extra accessory. They’re always met with the same response: “No. I don’t have the authority to do that.”

A person of average intelligence gets the point right then.

“He said ‘no.’ I guess he can’t do it. Oh well.”

However, I deal with a lot of below-average individuals, and occasionally, due to selective memory, hard-headedness, or plain retardation, people just don’t get it. It’s as if by saying “no” to them, I’m effectively inviting a rousing game of “haggle with the salesman.” Case in point:

A mousy lady and her overweight son were browsing through the MP3 players. The son popped his head around the corner and motioned for assistance, so I approached them in my normal friendly manner. What? I’m fucking friendly as shit. Anyhow, the kid wants to see one of the larger, pricier players, so I take it out of the locked case and hand it to him. Now, these players are in their plastic packages, ready to be sold. So, the mom asks if we have a display model, to which I reply, “No ma’am, we do not.” She then asks if we can open the box. Opening the box automatically decreases the value…we have to mark off a certain percentage if the box has been opened. Once again, I tell her “no” and explain why.

This just isn’t sitting well with her, so she pauses for a moment, apparently to think. What was she thinking? She was thinking up this gem of a question:

“Are you sure you can’t open it?”

Look, lady, company policy prohibits me from just opening boxes on a whim. 10 seconds ago, my answer was “no.” I didn’t magically receive a memo stating that your case was the exception to the rule. I cannot open that box. Period.

Oh, but the fun doesn’t stop there, kids.

After the third “no” of the evening, she pulls the trigger one more time…

“Is there no way to listen to it in the store?”

Let’s look at what we’ve established thus far, okay?

1. We don’t have this MP3 player on display.

2. We can’t open the box so that you can mess with this MP3 player.

Do you see any other possible way to listen to the player? I don’t. For a wonderful fourth time, I tell her “no.” At this point, as far as she’s concerned, it’s all my fault. I’ve initiated some conspiracy against her and her son, and I have altered Best Buy company policy just to do so. And then she left.

The moral of this story is to learn when to quit. If I say “no,” I mean “no.” I’m not just saying it for fun. It’s a serious response to an inquiry. Don’t make me repeat myself, fuckstick.

You no speaka English?

Tue, 18 May 2004 19:11:11 GMT

You can’t live in the American South without hearing surly rednecks bitch about “ferners” (foreigners, for those of you without a southern drawl). Specifically, they always present an ultimatum of, “learn English or leave the country.” Now, I’ve always been the guy who could agree with you that people living in a predominately English-speaking society should know English. But, I’ve also always been the guy to call you a fucking inbreed for suggesting that it be a prerequisite for citizenship.

However…I’m beginning to draw a line. Working in retail is quickly chipping away at my “cultural tolerance” level. I still don’t think English should be required to live in USA, but I’ll be damned if it shouldn’t be required before you can SHOP here.

As most of you know, I have a typical salesman ice-breaker that I use to initiate conversation (or not) with customers.

“Are you finding everything okay?”

Simple. To the point. Easy to understand. Unless you don’t speak an ounce of English.

I’ve decided that for non-English-speakers, it must translate roughly in to, “Please, just stare at me and smile.” That’s what they do every time, without fail. No matter what nationality, they all do the same thing. Chinese? Stare and smile. Mexican? Stare and smile. French, Italian, German, Portugese, Bolivian, Latvian, Nigerian? Stare and smile. Indians (people from India, not Native Americans, you uninformed idiot), on the other hand, stare and smile briefly, then manage to ask, “How much can you take off this price?” I think they must just memorize that line.

You have no business being in a retail store in the United States if you can’t speak English. You especially have no business trying to get a worker to help you. I’m sorry, I don’t speak in Ethiopian clicks, and I can’t exactly explain the difference between PC100 SDRAM and PC3200 DDR RAM using only hand gestures. Though, come to think of it, I can imagine one hand gesture that would be useful.

I don’t get paid to tolerate multi-culturalism. Learn English or don’t shop. I’m sure some store in New Guinea has a website where you can find exactly what you need in your own native tongue. Here at Best Buy in the USA? Good luck with that one, Pancho Villa.

And for once, even paying me commission wouldn’t change my mind on this matter.

Gehen Sie nach Hause.
Rentre.
Vaya a casa.
Andare a casa.
Ga naar huis.

My back pocket is not a filing cabinet.

Fri, 14 May 2004 15:23:15 GMT

For a nice change of pace, I’ve decided to switch the focus of my cynicism from the customers to the store. Well, at least for this one entry.

In my department, we have a dress code that requires us to carry certain types of literature (pamphlets, brochures, etc.) in our back pockets. The idea behind this is that we will have easy access to important information when it comes time to present it to the customer. When I began working at Best Buy, either the requirement or the enforcement was very lax. All that I had to carry were a few copies of our Performance Service Plan brochure, which makes perfect sense to me, as we use those in nearly every sale and they explain something that is potentially beneficial to the consumer.

As of late, however, the rules have changed. No longer is it sufficient to carry only the important documentation. We are also expected to carry:

- An application for a Best Buy credit card. Large, bulky, and only necessary in roughly 1/10th of sales that I have seen.

- Pamphlets that describe the 8 free weeks of Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly. I have never made an attempt to push this off on customers. I will never do so.

- A folded up printout of our competitor’s advertised prices. How professional is that? A couple of pieces of folded up paper that get wrinkled as you walk absolutely scream professionalism. Why not just write the prices on our hands with pink Gel pens?

- Our cardboard Reward-Zone pamphlet with card inside. This wouldn’t be a terrible idea if it wasn’t so bulky, and if we didn’t have so many other items in the same pocket.

The bottom line is that all of this shit adds up to clutter. You can’t organize it well and you’re left grabbing at your ass trying to pull out the right piece of paper for the right moment. Not to mention how happy I’m sure the customer is touching something has been rubbing against our turd-cutters for hours on end.

And what is my incentive to add on shit like Entertainment Weekly, anyhow? A pizza party? Fuck you. Pay me commission and I’ll sell anything you want. But for a small hourly wage? Forget it.

I’m tired of making it home with 15lbs of documentation in my pants. Here’s an idea, buy us all clipboards! Or how about premade folders with every last bit of literature already included in it?

Wouldn’t want you to think critically, now.

Oh, your buddy works on computers? You’re set then.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 10:57:59 GMT

I get paid to do two primary things. Sell stuff, and sell service plans on that stuff. Considering that I work in the computer department, I actually have a few items that are deserving of something like a service plan. So, despite having very little incentive to recommend one of these service plans, I typically will recommend them on certain items. And as cute and anti-authoritarian as it is to say, “OMG you’ve been brainwashed,” don’t do it. It just makes you look like an idiot. There are certain things in any given retail electronics store that warrant a little extra protection.

On an average day, I hear all number of reasons why someone doesn’t want to pony-up the extra cash for the service.

“I don’t have the money.”

“I never buy warranties.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

But, by far, the most common reason I hear on a daily basis is:

“I have a buddy [sibling/neighbor/parent/etc.] who works on computers.”

I have decided now that there are two possible truths if all of these people are giving me an accurate statement:

At least 1 out of every 2 people “works on computers.”

Or

Everyone in the world knows the same guy who “works on computers.”

Honestly, I think the first of the two is the most likely, but only when using the term “work” as lightly as possible…synonymous with “plays solitaire.”

What gets to me, though, is their reasoning behind saying something like that. Okay, you know a guy who works on them. Does he do it for free? Does he cater specifically and/or exclusively to you? Will he buy your parts for you? Does he offer any guarentee on his work that is presentable in court? If you can say yes to any or all of those, let me know, because I need to find me a sucker like that.

In reality, you don’t know anyone like that. You know a guy who plays Diablo and Everquest. He ordered a Dell, but tells everyone he got a “customized” computer. He installed some memory once, and since that day he has been dubbed the local tech guru. He’d never actually get around to fixing your computer if it were damaged because he figures that you’ll be lenient considering he’s a “buddy.” That’s the guy you know. You call him a “buddy who works on computers.” I call him your 15 year old nephew.

Here’s the deal: Stop feeding me that line. Just say you don’t want the plan because you don’t want to spend an extra $250. It’s really that simple. I’ll drop it, I swear. However, I will add one caveat…if and when you have a problem, do NOT ask for me. Do not mention my name, do not come back to my department just looking for advice, don’t even acknowledge that I exist. I have to tell customers “I told you so” at least once a week…and the novelty has worn off. So just bend over and let our techs rape you with their $60/hr labor plus whatever god-awful price you have to give for the parts that we conveniently no longer carry. Saw a receipt for a hard-drive replacement a few days ago…$409 after tax. Hahahaha…$250 would have covered it.

Just leave me alone once you say no. And don’t say one thing about your “buddy.”

Why spend time looking when you can stare?

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 13:07:06 GMT

I understand that some things are hard to find. A good punk song...a respectable sorority girl...an ATM that won’t charge you a $2 service fee; all hard to find. But not everything is so hard to come across, and, in fact, most things can be found with just a little careful browsing.

This couldn’t be truer anywhere than at Best Buy. We have large signs, we have small signs, we have departments, we have end-cap displays...nothing, save for electric razors, is a mystery when it comes to location. As can be expected, however, there is always going to be someone who just doesn’t get it. And, equally as predictable, there’s a great fucking chance that I’ll get to deal with them.

Case in point:

Last night, while working a closing shift, I was engaged with a very friendly, knowledgable, respect-worthy couple who were purchasing a computer. They were interested in a photo-quality printer as well, so I was offering them a comparison between several of the ones available.

Roughly two minutes into my discussion with them, I caught a glimpse of a customer standing a few feet behind me, looking directly at me, and as motionless as a statue. Generally, that pisses me off. Not because they expect help, because I obviously recognize that my role is to help them. I get annoyed at their lack of respect for the other customers. You don’t loom over someone’s shoulder when they are trying to help someone else who came first…that’s just tacky and disrespectful. Stand out of the way and wait for me to finish with them. Back to the story, though…

Whereas generally this pisses me off, this time, since the customers I was with were absolute angels, nothing could really get to me. So, I continued with my sell and got them what they needed and started to walk them up to the technician bench to get their computer set up.

This is where the real agitation comes in...

The second I start walking them out of the aisle, the good ol’ staring jerk-off shouts, “Hey buddy! I could use your help now!” I turn to him, glare, and say, “I’m with these customers at the moment...let me get them fixed up and I’ll be right with you.” One of the folks I was with said, “You can go ahead and help him, just point us where we need to be. He seems a little impatient.” See what I mean? Good people. So I apologize for the jerk-off’s rudeness and point them towards the tech area.

After parting ways with them, I turn to help the jerk-off.

“Hey, man, where are your all-in-one printers?”

I almost hit him. He was standing three feet from an aisle-long display of….guess what?...all-in-one printers. He stood behind me for a good 5 minutes, staring like an absolute jackass, not even bothering to rotate his fat fucking head 10 degrees to his left where he would have seen not only a sign, but the actual printers. When I pointed at them, he just quietly walked over and starting browsing…never asking for any more help.

I know that some people are just stupid. I understand that occasionally you can have a mental lapse. But for Christ’s sake, look a little before you ask for help. Instead of interfering with my current sell, that guy could have spent half a second browsing and found exactly what he was looking for. Instead he rushed off two very nice people and made me want to spit blood at the same time.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with autistics.

“Out of stock? I don’t understand that concept.”

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 12:22:42 GMT

God, I dread those weeks when my department is given front-page publicity on our Sunday newspaper ad-insert. It’s a sure sign that I’ll be dealing with lazy, ignorant, cheap customers until the sale is off. And it also guarentees that at some point during the week I’ll be dealt one grievance in particular: “What do you mean you’re out of stock?”

Typically, notebook computers and PCs are the most popular sales items during our weekly ad runs. When we make the front page of the ad, everyone sees that we have a $300 e-Machine PC and a $600 Compaq notebook. When they see this, they obviously think to themselves, “Hey, that’s a low price!” One thing that many of them don’t seem to think, however, is, “I bet a lot of other people know about that low price, too!”

Why do I say that? Inveritably, sometime late in the week, I’ll get handful of customers wanting to pick up their discount computer. No, not early in the week, late in the week. You see, early in the week, all of the semi-intelligent consumers ran out and staked their claim in order to beat everyone else. What that means is that all of our claims were staked…we sold out. So when the procrastinators stroll in at 8pm on Friday night, when the sale has been going on for six full days, they are met with one of the salespeople saying, “Sorry, we’re out of stock, but we can order one for you.”

It’s almost like you’ve said something in Latin…they just stare at you.

“Out of…out of stock? B-b-but your ad here says they’re on sale.”

Yes it does. And they are on sale. They have been on sale, in fact. That is actually why we don’t have anymore, Cletus…someone smarter than you came in when the sale began and got their hands on one of the items we had in stock. Good news, though. We can order you one!

“Yeah, but it says you have them on sale.”

We’ve established that, sir. They are, indeed, on sale.

“B-b-but why are you out of stock if your ad says they are on sale?”

You just answered your own question you idiot. We are out of stock BECAUSE they are on sale. People bought the ones we had on hand because of their low price. That means that our limited in-store supply has been exhausted. You see, we have a small warehouse where we keep our extra product. That warehouse his limited space. Once we’ve filled it up, we can’t add more. So, when people buy up all of a particular item, we can’t magically refill the warehouse…we are at the mercy of the distribution center. But, like I’ve said, the good thing is: We can order one for you at the same price!

“That’s just bad business! You aren’t Best Buy…you’re Worst Buy! And you don’t have Customer Service! You have Customer No-Service!”

I apologize for selling things to people with money that came in before you. Next time I’ll try to tell one of the semi-intelligent customers that, despite having the product in stock when they come in to buy, I have to hold a few over for people who are too stupid to visit us in a timely manner, and too stubborn to let us order one for them.

Sometimes I really would like to carry a billy-club.

Jesus Christ, I’m a goddamned psychic.

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 23:38:07 GMT

Read the subject of this entry. Read it again. Don’t believe it? Get this:

On April 3, I posted the entry directly before this one. The issue at hand was customers who ask me, “Why should I buy here?” I went over how it annoyed me, of course, and how I respond to them in my usual deadpan manner. Well guess what? Just the other day, as if by fate, it happened again, only this time it was so unbelievably ridiculous that I simply couldn’t pass it off as mere coincidence.

As usual, I’m meandering around the computer department, when I notice a gentleman in the printer aisle, eyeballing a nice little piece of shit “All-in-One” printer/scanner/copier/paper-jammer. So, as per company policy (read: since my manager was near-by), I approached this man and offered my assistance.

“How much is this one,” he asked, pointing to a Hewlett-Packard.

“The tag says, let’s see, $150,” I respond, in a tone that could well be mistaken for sincerity.

“Circuit City has it for $145,” he retorted, pupils dialating at the prospect of $5 savings.

“Okay. We price match. $145 it is,” I say calmly.

“Match it?!” he scoffs, “What’s my incentive to buy here if you just match it?”

“Well, sir, you are here.”

He pauses.

“That’s just not enough incentive for me.”

“So let me get this straight,” I begin, “you’re willing to drive BACK to Circuit City, a waste of gas when it’s pushing $2 a gallon, to get the SAME EXACT deal?”

He pauses again…this time, a bit longer.

“Well, yeah.”

“Okay,” I say, and walk away.

A few minutes pass.

“I’ll take that one.”

Moron. For fuck’s sake, use your brain. I should print off the posts in this journal and tack them up in the front of the store.

What not to ask me…

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 19:24:07 GMT

I get asked hundreds of questions per shift.

“What should I buy?”

“What is the warranty?”

“Where is the restroom?”

The above are a few that I hear most often. The good thing about them is that they are easy to answer. The restroom is at the front of the store, the warranty that comes with it is only for one year, and you should buy a Sony VAIO because we mark them up the most. That was simple enough.

There is, however, one question that I never want to hear. This question is only asked in expectation of a well-planned, unique yet coherent response. Too much goddamned effort. For future reference always avoid asking me the following:

“Why should I buy here?”

That is a bullshit question that only ellicits a bullshit answer from someone who really gives two fucks about you buying in the store. From a guy like me, however, you’ll get no bullshit. Let’s compare two responses…one from a supervisor or manager (both of whom have a vested interest in every customer) and one from me.

Supervisor/Manager: “You should buy from us to take advantage of several benefits: we offer in-store financing that always has atleast 12 months free of interest on items over $300; we offer service and replacement plans that insure your purchase will be fully functional for at least 2 years, up to 5 on certain items; we offer a rewards plan that will essentially pay you $5 for every $125 you spend in the store; and we’ll match any of our competitors’ prices, no matter how low.”

Analysis? Nicely worded. Very convincing…especially if the customer has Down Syndrome. All of that stuff sounds great, but it means more money. Most people who ask this question are cheap-ass bastards…and more money is not what they intend to drop. In fact, often times they expect to get a deal by asking this question. In their minds they’ve put the salesperson under pressure, and if he wants the sell he’s got to accommodate them. That’s re-fucking-tarded. Let’s see how I would respond…

Me: “Because you’re already here.”

Analysis? Brilliant. It’s nothing but the truth. No hidden costs. No contracts. Nothing but the simple truth. They are currently at Best Buy, standing in front of the item(s) they want. If they don’t buy from us, they have to leave, drive around to see if they can find the same or a better price, and go through another store’s sales pitches. Not many people want to deal with that, so I put it to them realistically. As I’ve overemphasized in other posts, I don’t care if you buy or not. But hell, you’re already here. May as well.

The moral of the story is that you should avoid asking “Why should I buy here?” You know the answer, don’t be stupid. As far as I’m concerned you can trot your little dumpy ass down to Circuit City…it’s your gas, not mine. I’m not going to sell the store to you after I’ve already sold you on a product. Buy it here for convenience, or stop wasting my time.

If you want a good computer, expect to pay more than $389.99.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 04:12:07 GMT

Upon reading the subject of this entry, you may laugh and consider it an exaggeration. In all truth, we do offer a computer package that ends up costing the customer under $400 after they receive their mail-in rebate checks. Even before rebate, the entire system rings up for $789.99. That’s sub-$800 for a computer, monitor, and printer…sub-$400 after rebates.

“Must be a shitty system.”

That’s what you’re probably thinking…and you’re right. It is the slowest computer I’ve ever seen sold as “new.” The next step down is a graphing calculator, but you can at least play games on those.

It’s not the price of the system that bothers me, though. I think it’s a great computer for a young kid when you are a parent who just wants to give them something to fuck around on. So what if they ruin it? It’s a $400 computer. One paycheck later and you can grab another.

The problem I have is with those select individuals who really think they can get a great system for that price. It’s always these out-of-touch idiots who come in with two things in mind. First thing: they want a computer that will play every game on the market, especially those that allow online multiplayer modes. Second thing: they don’t want to spend over $500.

Problem: That’s unrealistic.

A guy actually came in today looking for a computer to “strip” for parts. He has intentions of making an elite gaming machine from the parts of other PCs. Guess where he looked first? The cheap-ass e-Machines. He was serious, too. What I’m trying to figure out, though, is what parts he intends to salvage…is it the 250 watt power supply? Is it the generic motherboard? How about the $20 hard drive? Or maybe it’s just the case, complete with ONE cooling fan on it. It damn sure isn’t the integrated graphics card. What a fucking moron. [Note: If you just read the above and are laughing to yourself, congratulations, you are a huge fucking nerd.]

Here’s a hint to you clueless assholes: If you want to play GOOD games, you need a GOOD computer. A GOOD computer costs a GOOD amount of money. Expect to pay a hefty tag if you insist on buying at a retail chain. Of course, if you were even remotely computer savvy, you’d buy the parts and build your own, or have someone build one for you at half the cost of retail and with twice the quality.

Expect to shell out at least $1000 for your tower when you go looking retail…$400 is a joke.

Customer Care...a retort to accusations.

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 14:02:49 GMT

“Don’t you have any concern for the customer?”

With this kind of LiveJournal, I suppose that question was inevitable. Someone, somewhere, was bound to read my rants and wonder about my dedication to customer satisfaction. I do, after all, call some of them “morons,” “stupid shits,” “assholes,” and “bed sores.” But I take issue with the implied accusation that I don’t fulfill my duties when it comes to proper customer service. And I also take issue with the idea that I must have a genuine concern for each customer in order to properly aide them in purchasing from my store. I’ll elaborate.

To address the implication that I am a poor worker, I say to check my numbers. At Best Buy, if you do poorly, they cut hours. One of my co-workers is a poor employee, and he is lucky to get 5 hours a week. His last paycheck was just over $30 for a two week pay-period. Another co-worker started out working 20 to 25 hours a week, ideal for a part-timer and a sign that they are performing well, but after a series of customer dissatisfaction incidents, he does good to pull 10-12 hours. I, on the other hand, have requested to only work 20 hours a week, yet I still find my schedules straying into the 25 and 26 hour range. I have complained to management about this on a few occasions, and they remedy the problem temporarily, only to try and sneak in some more hours down the road when my department is struggling. I was off for the first part of the week by request, so I was only scheduled to work three days…yet I still got 18 hours. I must do something right.

To address the idea of concern, I have to ask, “What IS concern, and to what extent is it required to help a customer sufficiently?”

The first definition offered by Miriam-Webster is:

[A] marked interest or regard usually arising through a personal tie or relationship.

Well, I don’t have a personal tie to most customers, as I have never met many of them, and I certainly haven’t had the time to form a cohesive bond with one or any of them, so that pretty much rules out a relationship. By that definition, then, I must not have a concern for customers…but is that kind of concern necessary to satisfy shoppers? Not a chance. I don’t need to be that involved in order to get the customer what they want. All I have to do is listen, pick up some details, and point them in the right direction. In my department, the primary buyers all want practically the same thing: something cheap that will perform like a luxury. I tell them, in so many words, that they are being unrealistic, then they disagree, and then I sell them what they want. Job done. Customer satisfied that they got what they wanted. Will they be satisfied when they get it home? Not my problem. I told them they may need something more on the high-end, they declined, so they alleviate me of the responsibility of long-term satisfaction. But wait, my actions actually exhibit another form of concern! According to Miriam-Webster:

[Concern can also be] an uneasy state of blended interest, uncertainty, and apprehension.

I did that! I expressed interest and apprehension when I warned the customer about the product they intended to purchase. That is the kind of concern that needs to be implemented in the workplace, and I make use of it every day. I MUST BE A GOOD EMPLOYEE!

Let’s not forget, though, that my primary concern is myself…and that is by the first definition of “concern.” I am very attached to myself, and I have a deep-rooted interest in my well-being. When it comes to down my interests versus an unruly or unrealistic customer’s interests, mine win, no question. I won’t be verbally abused, I won’t be held up for unreasonable amounts of time, I won’t continue offering help if it goes unappreciated, and I won’t offer respect if I am not offered the same. Some people seem to think that once you are employed, you sign away your personal rights and liberties. Fuck that. I won’t be trampled by anyone, customers included.

So, yes, I am concerned about customers…but only to the extent that I don’t forget to concern myself with….well…myself.

Yes. We're closed. Stupid shits.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 18:52:17 GMT

ATTENTION Old Women
and to a lesser degree, old men and middle-aged women

It is commendable to be well-researched. It is actually inexcusable NOT to be well-researched in a day where almost all variety information is accessible from our computer rooms. Let’s not forget our trusty pen and ink resources, as well.

It is also commendable to be courteous. Being respectful of others’ lives is a sermon that is preached from every street corner.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

So why do I bring up these two virtues? Obviously I am planning on tying them in to my workplace, but how?

Quite simply, there comes a time when the two become mutually exclusive. For me, that time is after 9pm Monday through Thursday, after 10pm Friday and Saturday, and after 7pm on Sunday. You guessed it…those are closing times. Once closing time rolls around, I generally have 45 minutes to an hour to get my department shut down and cleaned up. Usually I can have this done in or around 45 minutes—30 on easy days. The stipulation, however, is that I can’t really start cleaning until the last customer is out of my area. Thus we have the reason for this post.

Last night, after a relatively slow day, I was preparing to restock our shelves, vacuum our floor, and generally prepare everything for the opening workers. As 9 o’clock rolled around, I noticed that one of my co-workers was still speaking with an elderly couple about a computer we had on display. I didn’t think much of it, figuring that the folks were either just browsing and getting ready to leave or getting ready to buy it and head out the door. So, since I couldn’t really start my primary cleaning duties, I strolled around the store talking with other workers and wasting a little time.

A few minutes later I returned to my department, ready to start cleaning, when I noticed the same couple talking to two more employees about not only the computer but also a digital camera. I was getting a little agitated, but I thought, “It’s only a quarter after closing time, I’m sure they’re getting ready to go.”

Another fifteen minutes passed.

It was at this time that I noticed something. You see, I figured that these folks were looking to buy something since they were staying so late…it only makes sense that they wouldn’t hold up the store for anything short of revenue. Come to find out, however, this lady was holding a notepad.

The dreaded notepad. Old women always have them. They scribble down every number and every letter they see on every item and every box that they think just might be related to something they may or may not buy in the future.

The notepad signifies two things: 1) That the person is working on being well-researched…a good thing. 2) That the person isn’t planning on buying yet…a bad thing.

Sure enough, this couple wasn’t buying. They were still researching…and they kept the store open nearly an hour later than scheduled because of it. The fine line had been crossed. They had opted to ignore the virtue of courtesy in favor of research, which effectively tainted them with the vice of greed. Stupid old shits.

To all future and current Best Buy customers, never sacrifice virtues. We want to go home when we are scheduled to go home. We need sleep. Don’t hold us up unless you plan on buying. In fact, just don’t hold us up. What can you do with a new purchase after 9:30pm that you can’t do better tomorrow at 10am? Come back later. Stop being assholes.

No, I don't really want to sell a computer tonight.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 04:00:46 GMT

Yes, I know, it's been a few months since my last update. I've been busy. It happens.

Fortunately for you, though, my time away from this LiveJournal has offered me countless opportunities to experience post-worthy happenings at my beloved place of employment: Best Buy.

Having said that, let me jump right in to this evening's rant.

As I have made known, I am not on commission. If it isn't clear, that means my incentive to sell is minimal. In fact, let's look at a schematic involving ideas about incentive.

Schematic - Best Buy's Ideal Incentives
- Wages: You do work because you get paid to do it.
- Concern for the store: You do work because you want the store to do well.
- Competitive nature: You do work because you want to be considered "the best."
- Job satisfaction: You do work because you like your job.
- Genuine concern for customer: You do work because you want to help others.

Sounds great. But let's add an element of realism to these.

Wages: For the $7 an hour I currently make, I clock in, clock out, and repeat on all work days. What happens in between clocking in and out is insignificant to me because regardless, as long as I am allowed to clock in and out, I am making the same money.

Concern for the store: The only concern I have is that I get paid. I don't care what store does it, but for the sake of convenience, I'd like to have THIS store around to save me the trouble of hunting for work elsewhere. That means I care just enough to not want the store to be shut down...but not enough to keep it "in the green," as they say. Hell, or even the "yellow" for that matter. If it can operate in the "red" without closing, I'll be content with that.

Competitive nature: It's retail sales. What the great fuck do I care about competing in that environment? What am I competing for? Employee of the month? Bragging rights? Yeah, sure...I can't wait to gloat about being the best retail computer tag-reader! I work in a store designated to employ people who couldn't cut it elsewhere (including two ex-cops and a handful of 40+'ers). Nothing quite like out performing a hopeless jackass old enough to be my dad who is still peddling video games to braindead teens.

Job Satisfaction: I like my job...in as much as I like not having to work much for decent pay. I am satisfied with putting out substandard effort and still being labeled one of the "big hitters" in sales. I get to read off of PRICE TAGS for fuck's sake...and that makes me a "good salesman." I'm satisfied with that.

Genuine concern for customer: Laughable. When I do exhibit customer concern, I redirect them to custom-built-computer businesses. Generally, though, I ask the mandatory question ("What are you planning to use this for?") and show everyone to the same computer line-up, regardless of what I've been told. I mean, damn, there are people that come in thinking a $400 computer package (tower, monitor, and printer included) is a "great deal." If they are that uninformed, I'm not taking on the responsibility of educating them. I'll sell them an obsolete piece of shit and collect my paycheck as usual.

Motivation is in short supply at Best Buy. So don't be surprised when you can't find help when looking for a product. It just means that we don't get paid enough to consider you worthwhile.

I don't get paid enough to know about all this shit.

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 00:31:03 GMT

Would anyone honestly mistake a Best Buy for an electronics specialty store? I'm talking one of those uber-l33t, high-end, privately owned deals where the workers spent 4 years in college to learn the mechanics involved with each product.

Hell, would anyone even mistake it for anything other than an electronics outlet that employs highschool and college students part-time?

No one with a piss-ounce of sense would.

Apparently, though, they do exist. People do indeed look at Best Buy and invision a beacon of intellectual luminescence. They imagine employees filled to their cerebral brims with technical wisdom. As they plot their journey to the store of wonder, they dream about the veritable library of knowledge contained therein.

What the fuck?

Are you kidding me? $6 to $7 an hour, folks. We carry thousands of products, and get paid $6 to $7 an hour...and you expect us to take ANY time at all to research for you? You should be stabbed with the handle of a butter knife.

I found a blog online (believe it or not) and one entry told of a customer's experience in a Best Buy. The guy apparently was on the market for a digital camera, but he needed to make sure one would work with Linux. In short, it was the tale of a 30 year old virgin filled with anti-Microsoft rage looking for a camera to grab quick shots of his neighbors' 17 year old daughter, or so I assume. So, in walks the seasoned Dungeon Master of yore with spec-sheet in hand to look for his weapon of choice. Surprisingly, a Best Buy employee approaches him and asks to help him (yes, we are required to do that). This annoys comb-over Kevin. After walking around taking notes for a while, he is approached again. HOLY SHIT TWO EMPLOYEES TRIED TO HELP! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD FOR FUCK'S SAKE....ITS TERRORISM!

He finally decides to engage one of the employees, and come to find out she doesn't know what Linux is. I can hear you now:

You: How the fuck does she not know what Linux is? I mean it's only the single greatest Unix knock-off to hit the world of open-source software. At least 15 people use it regularly for crying out loud!

Me: I KNOW! You would think our employees would keep up with the obsolete stuff at least!

Moron.

I don't get paid enough to care about what models of computers we have out at the moment, let alone enough to care about Digital Camera - OS Compatibility issues. You're opinion about what should be known on the sales floor would be better received if we were getting $10 to $20 more per hour. Until you can cough up the pay, keep your fucking mouth closed.

This isn’t a car lot, and I can’t “knock off a few bucks” for you.

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 19:03:35 GMT

In my first entry, I emphasize the fact that I am a non-commissioned salesperson. In my username, I emphasize the fact that I work for a retail chain. A basic understanding of those two bits of information should lead you to conclude a few things...I don't make a lot of money, I'm at the mercy of my bosses, I don't make policy, and I am in no way responsible for the prices of our products.

When a person goes to buy a car, they don't expect to pay the price listed. They intend to do some haggling in order to trim their expenses. When a person goes to Wal-Mart, on the other hand, they understand that the prices are set and not negotiable. No one asks Wal-Mart to give them a "better deal" on a $2 pair of pants.

Wal-Mart is a retail chain. Best Buy is a retail chain. For all intents and purposes in this post, Best Buy is Wal-Mart. A salesperson at Wal-Mart cannot take a few dollars off the cost of anything. The same is true at Best Buy.

If you come to Best Buy looking to make a deal, you're inbred. In the computer department, in particular, the prices are less than 5% over cost (I know this because I get no rebate on any of that shit). If you expect the company to do away with ALL profit just to make sure you get a computer, you need to chalk up on the basics of business. If the business sells everything at or very near cost, they make little or no money. With little or no money, the company can't buy more product to put in store. Without product, the store is useless. Therefore, the business shuts down.

I can't make you a "deal" on anything in the store. If you ask me to make you a "deal," I'm going to laugh at you for being completely oblivious to the fundamentals of retail functioning. Either that, or I will throw my clipboard at you. If we sold cars, and if I made commission, and if I had the power to change prices for you, I probably wouldn't.

Get out of my store and go haggle with Sam's Club, you cheap fuck.